Just Another Psych Project
by Exile Wrath
Summary: 25 Mafioso's in need of a psych evaluation; a Psych student in need of 25 clients. It seemed like the perfect match until they actually met each other. Sei Usomine is going to regret accepting her friend Tsuna's business offer now. 'Belphegor: Unfit for work. Is homicidally infatuated with coworker named Fran and tried to kill a civilian on sight.' no romantic OCxCanon, some all27
1. Psychologists and Mafia Dons

**Exile: I don't own KHR.**

**My third KHR fic ^_^ I hope you enjoy!**

**Warning: Cussing, insanity, the Varia, Mukuro, and a crackpot psychologist**

**Pairings: Crack!all27. No romantic OCxCanon**

Just Another Psych Project

On the campus of Universita Degli Studia di Enna Kore, one very, very ticked Asian dashed through the flood of morning students with an irate expression, heading towards the Psychology building in hopes of getting a good seat before her lecturer got her again for being late.

Luck was not on her side, however, as she flung herself through the door and was met with the view of all the seats in the room taken, albeit for one lone seat directly in front of Professor Nendo Rittai's desk. The student scowled fiercely, glaring at her blond professor with something akin to homicidal tendencies.

The period passed by without a hitch, if you could dismiss the common occurrence of Student No. 307973 lunging over the desk at the professor's throat as something normal. "I'm going to murder you one day, Rittai! I swear!" she howled as the tide of students carried out of the classroom. Now walking around campus for the lunch break, Sei Usomine glared at the sheaf of papers in her hands with venom. "Another…fucking…Psych project…" she hissed, staring at the papers in hopes that they would vaporize and leave her project-less. Unfortunately, her life was not a manga, so they simply remained in her arms. "Shit."

The final project of the year (well, the final MAJOR project of the year) for the Psychology majors under the tutelage of one annoying Pr. Nendo Rittai was psychoanalysis. Specifically, it entailed meeting up and psychoanalyzing 25 people, then writing a report on their different mental states. That meant 25 annoyances for Sei to deal with, and 25 pages of torture to write. The black-haired woman fumed silently, running around campus in an attempt to find her venting friend.

_Thank God for brunettes with bad sense of direction, are head of a Mafia family, and don't mind venting anger with me._

* * *

"I have to _what_?" one Tsunayoshi Sawada asked in carefully disguised anger, a tick mark on his head as he conversed with his former mentor and current pest-in-the-side, Reborn, who had just received news from the Ninth to relay to him.

"Hmph, Dame-Tsuna, you have to have your subordinates go through a check-up to make sure that they are still fit to work. Everyone has to do it every year," Reborn repeated once again, for the sake of the priceless expression on his student's face.

"Are you kidding me? Look," here he gestured desperately to the piles of paperwork on his desk, "at all of this! If they're fit enough to be running around causing me _this_ much trouble and _this_ much paperwork, _then they're definitely fit for work_,_"_ the brunette all but growled, his anger boiling. Reborn took another glance at the paperwork mountain range that was Tsuna's desk and looked away, trying not to let the memories of his own paperwork days resurface.

"Well, what about their mental health? Future Byakuran wasn't exactly right in the head, and if some psychologist registered him as not fit for working, then imagine how much destruction would have been prevented," Reborn rebuked. Tsuna rolled his eyes and slumped down in his chair in defeat.

"Reborn…if you don't remember, the Vongola Family Psychologist admitted himself into the asylum last week and the job is vacant at the moment," he said pointedly, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in his head caused by too much paperwork, "and the substitute was sent to an asylum three days ago and diagnosed from schizophrenia."

"Well, you're the Tenth Boss of Vongola. Go recruit someone, Dame-Tsuna," the hitman replied before kicking Tsuna out of the office.

Tsuna sat up from the plush carpet, rubbing his lower back in pain, "Geez, his kicks are still as strong as they were ten years ago…" releasing a sigh, the young Mafia Don exited the building to go to the nearby University campus. The only thing on his mind right now?

Venting.

* * *

"Tsuna!" the university student exclaimed as she saw her anger-venting friend.

"Sei!" he called her name in greeting, a broad smile on his face that definitely had to do with the murderous thoughts in his head at the moment.

"That bastard Rittai assigned us a psychoanalysis project, so now I have to do 25 people and write up 25 fucking reports!"

"I have to find someone to do a check-up on my subordinates mental state, and the psychologist retired yesterday! And I need to do it soon before the paperwork piles up!"

"…Hey, want some strawberry cheesecake?"

"Sure. Are you going to buy gelato again?"

At the Del Ricci Café, the clerk at the counter shook his head with a sigh. The common occurrence of _those two _meeting up and yelling at each other on sight was so common for his and the other workers that they were able to ignore it without problems. In fact, even all the other regular customers had become accustomed to the two and often contributed in the rather interesting discussions.

"Gah, that Reborn, I swear he's going to kill me someday on purpose!" Tsuna spat angrily as he chewed on his strawberry cheesecake. "And my Guardians….I'd like to lock them up in my office full of paperwork someday, just so they can see how much trouble I'm getting from them!"

Sei glared back over the table and took another bite of her mint chocolate chip gelato, "Rittai needs to die! He knows how much I hate people and he increased the amount of people I have to do because I was 2 minutes late to class! Only 2 fucking minutes," she fired back.

The two of them froze, sucking in deep breaths, and all the other customers automatically vacated their seats, opting for a safer place under the tables. Many pulled out earplugs and headphones. At the same time, Sei's usually calm expression grew a rather homicidal grin, and Tsuna's eyes were shut as he smiled widely.

"Argh! Reborn/Rittai, DIE FOR DUMPING OTHER PEOPLE'S MENTALITIES ON US!" they screamed in anger, flipping over the table they had been sitting at (no food was wasted, as Tsuna and Sei had made sure to finish their sweets before they started rage-quitting) The dishes landed safely on the other seat and the duo simultaneously released an undisclosed amount of killing intent at their tormentors.

Also at the same time, Sei's Psych 101 professor felt a shiver up his spine, and Reborn sneezed violently. (He was a hitman, and hitmen don't shudder at people's killing intent directed at them.)

A few minutes later, Sei and Tsuna had tired out their killing-intent-emitting cells which psychologists and Mafia Dons are born with and sat back down, staring at the café's menu. The other people took back their vacant seats, and there were some bets flying around as to whether one of the two would break a dish again by stabbing the plate too hard.

Sei Usomine was your standard Japanese Psychology student. Black hair that went down to her waist and was always, always in a ponytail, black eyes that were efficient with emitting death-glares, light skin good for blending in with the crowds of other Italian students, a habit of observing people, and a healthy sense of sarcasm. She was 25, a self-acclaimed speed-reader and sweets-addict, and her best friend (and only friend, though she'd never admit that Tsuna was her friend) was the Vongola Decimo, much to her pride. She went to Universita Degli Studia di Enna Kore on the island of Sicily, Italy, as a transfer student from Tokyo Daigaku in Japan.

Tsunayoshi Sawada, on the other hand, was Tenth Boss of the Vongola Famiglia, the most influential family in the Mafia. He was 25 as well, and was ranked by Fuuta as "Number One Mafioso Marriage Partner" and "Number Three Most Handsome Mafioso" (Hibari and Mukuro tied for Second. First place was unknown.) It was easy to see why, as he had gravity-defying brown hair that stuck up everywhere but managed to make him look more refined, and the brown locks promised fluffiness if anyone dared to pat his head. Tsuna's eyes made you want to just stare at him and (according to several people, Byakuran and Mukuro included) kidnap him and keep him for yourself. He was a bit taller than Sei, a fact that she, at 5'11'', constantly grumbled about. The Vongola Famiglia's main base was in Sicily, and thus here he was.

As to how they knew each other…it had to do with Tsuna getting lost and walking into the Psych classroom one day instead of the correct meeting room. Curse his sense of direction.

"So, what's your problem?" Sei muttered as she nursed a cup of espresso. "Mine's fairly simple, but with your…situation, nothing is." Tsuna glanced at the woman next to him, a grin lighting up as he saw that she was attempting to be polite for once. If anything, she was like a sister he would never get to have.

"I…every year, we need to send reports to the current boss, the Ninth at the moment, reports on our main subordinates' status to deem them fit for…work," he explained reluctantly, "Our family's psychologist admitted himself into the asylum last week and the backup was sent to another one after being diagnosed with schizophrenia. And the punishment for not meeting the deadline, which is two months from now, is extra paperwork duties."

"Ooh…ouch, dang. Sucks for you," she replied with a grimace. "All I need to do is psychoanalyze people and write up reports on their mental conditions like an actual psychologist. 25 people is my quota. What about you?"

"Hmm…there's my Guardians, the Varia, Shoichi, Spanner, Byakuran for some reason, Basil, Lal, Kusakabe, Bianchi, Fuuta, I-Pin, Dino, and myself, of course…that's about 25 people." All of a sudden, a glimmer appeared in his eyes. Sei promptly started to edge away from her friend, knowing that as a sign that Tsuna had gotten an idea.

"…Do I want to know why you're so happy all of a sudden?" she grumbled. Tsuna turned to face her, the expression on his face changing to the one that no one could resist. It had been ranked as "Second Most Manipulative Expression in the Mafia" and Sei started to consider fleeing or not.

"I have 25 people who need to meet a psychologist, and you're a psychology intern that needs 25 clients! It's perfect!" he exclaimed gleefully, ignoring the look of horror that emerged on Sei's face. "Please, Sei?"

The Japanese woman dropped her spoon, mouth closing and opening like a fish as she speedily calculated her chances of going insane by the time she was done with her project. "But...no, just no. I like my sanity the way it is, thank you very much."

"I'll pay you per person. The prices will be negotiable, and all damages will be paid by the Vongola," Tsuna offered in reply.

"…Give the clients my address. When do I start?"

* * *

**Exile: Sei's greed = Mammon's greed.**

**Review? Tell me who should be tortured- er, examined first! The choices are: **

**Any of the Guardians (Gokudera, Yamamoto, Mukuro, Chrome, Hibari, Ryohei, Lambo), any of the Varia (Xanxus, Squalo, Fran, Bel, Leviathan, Lussuria), Shoichi, Spanner, Basil, Lal, Kusakabe, Bianchi, Fuuta, I-pin, and Dino. I intend to save Byakuran for the last XD**


	2. First Impressions

**Exile: And, following suggestions and the general rule of trying to keep the psychologist sane, we will start the examinations in the chapter after next! Sorry if I disappointed any of you, but I think I ought to give her at least a chapter's reprieve...*sweat***

**Don't own. **

**Warning: Gokudera's overprotectiveness, sadistic Yamamoto, jealous Mukuro, Hibari, and Byakuran. Hey, I said this was all27.**

* * *

First Impressions

A week later, at the Cafe Del Riccio, Tsuna and Sei were having their daily venting hour, complete with pastries and coffee.

Sei stared at her friend incredulously, not sure whether to completely believe Tsuna or not. Sure, they had been decent friends for the past year or so, but she wasn't sure whether to believe him or not at the moment. "Are you sure that it's a good idea for me to come over and meet everyone? I mean, you're a Mafia Don and all…" she stuttered.

Tsuna smiled warmly. Too warmly. "Of course! If I don't introduce you to at least my Guardians, then they'll go berserk upon meeting you! Some of them don't like me hanging out with unknown people," he explained. The sentence did nothing to assuage Sei's fears.

"But still…who says that they won't try to kill me the moment I step in the door?" she pointed out.

"Don't worry. If they try to hurt you, then they'll have to answer to me. I really don't want to have to find another psychologist on short notice," Tsuna said kindly. The black-haired woman glared at him viciously.

_Only because I'm a psychologist? _She shrieked inside her mind. Expression set in a firm poker face, she smiled stiffly at Tsuna before nodding. "But I want something after I go there," she demanded. Tsuna grimaced at the implication, silently saying goodbye to sizeable amount of money from his wallet.

"What is it?" he asked, praying that the amount of money she wanted wasn't going to damage his wallet too badly.

"I want a sanity scale and profiles on all of my…er, clients. Just give them to me tomorrow. When do you want me to come over?" she replied. Tsuna grinned brightly, making her recoil from the accursed sparkles that literally popped up out of nowhere.

"Just go to this address at noon tomorrow!" he cheered, sliding a card across the table. Sei stared at the slip of paper uneasily, gingerly picking it up and sticking it in her pocket. "See you tomorrow!" With that, the young man stood up from their table and walked away, humming merrily as a black car drove up and he got in. Once it left, Sei let out a shuddering sigh, curled up into fetal position at their table, and started berating herself for succumbing to Tsuna's accursed puppy-dog eyes.

* * *

"Jyuudaime! Welcome back!" Gokudera Hayato greeted cheerfully, pouncing on Tsuna the moment he stepped in the gates of Vongola Mansion. His boss smiled softly, nodding his head in reply. "Would you like anything to eat?"

"No, Hayato, I just came back from the Cafe Del Riccio. I ate a bunch of pastries from there," he replied, walking off, "Do you know where I can find Reborn?"

His right-hand man was quick to answer, "I think Reborn is waiting in your study; something about a psychologist...?"

"Okay, thank you Hayato! I'll see you at dinner!" Tsuna called back, entering the building.

When the doors closed, Gokudera dropped his normal grin that he wore around his boss, his eyes narrowing and his lips wearing a scowl. "Jyuudaime's been going to the Cafe Del Riccio every single day for the past year exept on weekends and when he's out on a mission. And he's always managed to shake us off whenever we follow him. My sources say that he meets up with someone there every day and that the two of them are regulars there..." he muttered analytically, a notepad popping out of nowhere as he wrote on it, "And every time he comes back, he usually looks relieved or a bit happier than when he left. My theories are that Jyuudaime fell in love with someone and that they meet there to talk, or that it's simply a random person that sits at the same table. Or it might be him meeting with an informant, but I've talked to all our informants and they denied it." The Storm Guardian closed his notepad.

"Jyuudaime, what are you keeping secret?"

* * *

"Tsuna! Welcome back! Did you enjoy your snacking session again?" Yamamoto Takeshi asked as he spotted the Decimo entering the Mansion. Tsuna turned towards him with a wide smile, blinking several times.

"Hi, Takeshi. Did your mission go well? And yes, I had a good time there, thank you for asking," Tsuna responded, hugging his Rain Guardian in a brotherly manner, completely unaware of the slight blush that had popped up on the swordsman's cheeks.

"Ah, the mission went well. No casualties, and the Acari Famiglia agreed to a cease-fire with the Pulci," he said, handing Tsuna a blue folder that no doubt contained his mission report.

"That's good. I'll have another mission for you in a few days, just take a break for now. The mites and fleas must have been a bit annoying," he said back, patting Takeshi's shoulder and continuing up the stairs. "I'll see you later! Drop by the kitchen; I think that Chef made a snack for you!" With that, he disappeared upstairs.

Takeshi grinned good-naturedly, but once Tsuna had left the area, his eyes sharpened and he grasped the hilt of his katana lightly. "So he's still going to Cafe Del Riccio every day. And we still don't know who he's meeting. Hmmm..."

An out-of-character sadistic smile appeared on his face, "If that person is Tsuna's lover, then...hmmm..." with those ominous words, the man hummed happily, turning around and heading to the kitchen.

* * *

A few miles away, Sei shuddered and nearly dropped the vase she was moving. "I feel like some assassin is thinking of killing me...better set up the guard traps..." she muttered uneasily.

* * *

The doors to his study opened, "Reborn! You wanted to talk to me?" Tsuna called out. Silence. The Decimo narrowed his eyes, hit the floor, and rolled into the room, leaping behind the door and executing several evasive maneuvers just in case his former tutor was intending to take him by surprise. Once he reached his comfortable, plushy desk chair, he looked around confusedly. "Reborn, where are you?" Instead of the hitman, however, his senses picked up another presence.

"Kufufu, hello Tsunayoshi..." Mukuro Rokudo greeted in his normal creepy manner, stepping out from a cloud of mist next to the desk. Tsuna rolled his eyes at the unnecessary entry and hugged the pineapple-headed man in greeting.

"Hello, Mukuro. How was the meeting?" he asked kindly. "And where's Chrome? I thought I sent her with you."

Mukuro looked a bit affronted that Tsuna had already squirmed out of his grasp. "The meeting was fine; the boxer did all the talking. There was an assassination attempt earlier, but I took care of them."

Tsuna's eyes widened, "Was everyone alright?" he blurted out of habit, even though he knew that his Guardians were some of the strongest people in the Mafia.

"Kufufu, are you worried about me?" Mukuro smirked. Tsuna rolled his eyes; why did he even ask? "And my dear Chrome is currently making a snack in the kitchen."

"Okay, that's good," his boss replied, standing up and scanning the room. "Now have you seen Reborn? He wanted to talk with me about something important."

Mukuro scowled a bit, unhappy that the former Arcobaleno was stealing his Tsuna-time. "I saw him leave your room a little while ago. I believe he was headed towards the gardens."

"Okay, Mukuro, thank you!" and with that parting, Tsuna tore out of the room, but not before giving the older man another brotherly hug.

When the study doors closed, Mukuro closed his eyes, opening up his mental link with Chrome. _Kufufu, Chrome, did you ask the chef what our Tsuna was doing while we left? _

_Oh, Mukuro-sama. _Chrome thought back, a bit startled as she had been about to nom on some fruit tart. _Chef said that Bossu went to Cafe Del Riccio as usual after doing some paperwork. _

_That cafe again? _Mukuro frowned. _Well, then Chrome, what do you think our Tsuna does there every single day? _

Chrome paused mid-bite. _Bossu is either meeting with an informant or his girlfriend. _She replied, remembering what she had heard the Storm muttering earlier. All of a sudden, she felt a deep black ominous aura emitted from her fellow Mist Guardian.

_Lover, you say...kufufu..._And with that, Chrome internally prayed for whatever poor training dummy that would be mutilated because of a certain trident.

* * *

"ACHOO!" Sei sneezed loudly, standing up to go to the kitchen and grab some water. She was either coming down with a cold or Tsuna was telling his Guardians about her. She prayed it was the former.

* * *

Tsuna walked lightly towards the eastern exit, which led to the Mansion's gardens. they weren't any ordinary gardens; one section was full of virtually every single poisonous plant known to man and some genetic hybrids. He mentally prayed that Reborn wasn't in the area with bioengineered Venus Flytraps again. Stopping under a willow tree, the brunette looked up and smiled at the sight of Hibird's nest, which currently had female Hibirdy sitting atop of their eggs. Hibirdy had simply followed Hibird one day after a mission, and no matter what the Cloud Guardian did, the female yellow puffball never left. So the Vongola had resigned themselves to seeing Hibari Kyoya argue with a bird...and lose. (Actually, Tsuna had managed to record the entire affair. One thing that Reborn had taught him was to never let an opportunity for obtaining blackmail material escape.) "Omnivore! Omnivore!" the bird chirped upon seeing him.

"Hello Hibirdy," Tsuna said, holding out a hand for the bird to perch on. It fluttered down and fluffed out it's wings, preening itself on his finger. A soft smile found its way on his face as he enjoyed the silence and lack of arguing for a moment. However, at the moment when he was finally starting to relax a bit, the sound of steel clashing met his ears. His eyes shot open and a nerve on his forehead started to twitch with irritation. Waving Hibirdy off, he strode towards the direction of the fighting, and frowned at the sight of Byakuran and his Cloud fighting. Luckily for them, none of the plants were damaged.

The opponents eyed each other as the tonfa and the white gloves clashed again, glaring fiercely, then breaking apart and moving forward again. But before either could finish the fight, a familiar person flew in between them, X-Gloves activated and X-Burner ready to be fired. "Stand down, Kyoya, Byakuran," Tsuna commanded. Both men glared at each other before stepping back, and Tsuna deactivated his gloves and blinked, the flame on his forehead dwindling out. "So why were you two fighting this time?" he asked in exasperation.

"The marshmallow head intruded on the mansion grounds," Hibari said stiffly, glaring daggers at Byakuran, "And I received no prior notiice of him coming, so I was about to bite him to death for intruding."

Tsuna facepalmed, turning the Byakuran. "And you?"

"Your Skylark-kun decided to attack me when I was going to check if you were in your room~" the white-haired man said cheerfully.

Tsuna facepalmed again. "I told you all that my bedroom is off-limits no matter who you are! Byakuran, just because you're allied with the Vongola does not mean you can visit the mansion whenever you want. At least call beforehand! Kyoya, next time you see Byakuran when he hasn't given proper notice, shove him in a waiting room and _don't freaking fight in the garden,_" he ordered in his boss voice. Hibari looked away, an irritated look on his face. Byakuran just pouted childishly and draped himself on Tsuna.

"Aww, Tsunayoshi-kun~ but I never get to see you!" he complained. Hibari's head snapped around, and he gritted his teeth in an attempt to not tear the annoying marshmallow off his omnivore and chuck him over the garden walls. Tsuna rolled his eyes and slipped out of Byakuran's grasp, walking away from the two. "Where are you going? And where were you for the past few hours?"

Tsuna paused in his footsteps, eye twitching in annoyance, a habit he had picked up from Sei. "Bya-ku-ran," he said, enunciating each syllable, "I'm trying to find Reborn before he shoots me, and I was at Cafe Del Riccio, like I am every weekday from 3 to 5," he answered, trying very hard not to let his irritation show. Kyoya's eyes narrowed at the mention of the cafe, and Byakuran's smile grew slightly creepier. "Now, if you excuse me, I need to talk with Reborn about something that is very important to the Vongola, and_ if you two destroy any of my plants, you die_." With those last ominous words, the brunette strode away, leaving behind two very suspicious Mafiosos.

"Skylark-kun, who is this person that my Tsunayoshi-kun meets every weekday?" Byakuran asked in a chilling voice.

Hibari was now emitting enough murderous aura to make all wild birds in a two-mile radius fly away. "Hn. I don't know. The omnivore has never told us and our informants were sent away every time."

The two stood there for a moment, then their expressions morphed into horror and desperation as they digested Tsuna's last words. _"...I need to talk with Reborn about something that is very important to the Vongola..." _

They both came to the same (false) assumption. _Tsunayoshi is going to talk with Reborn about marrying someone! _Thus, The white-haired man dashed off to the building to inform the other Guardians, and the Cloud chased after the Decimo to prevent anything unwanted from happening.

* * *

Sei sneezed again, nearly spilling her coffee. _I have a feeling that tomorrow is not going to go well at all._ She thought while adding some sugar into her cup.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Tsuna rounded a corner and was met face-to-face with the former Sun Arcobaleno. "Ah, Reborn, I was looking for you. You said you needed to talk with me?" he greeted politely, leading the way to one of the garden's many gazebos and sitting down comfortably, the hitman right behind.

"Dame-Tsuna, did you manage to find someone suitable for the position yet?" Reborn began, sitting down as well and staring intently at his former student to check for any trace of lying.

In the bushes, the minds of four Guardians and one Mafia Don were racing to the wrong conclusion. _Position? As in...Jyuudaime's/Tsuna's wife? _They thought frantically.

"Yep!" he said cheerfully, making them eavesdroppers pale.

Byakuran was trembling with rage. _What woman dared steal his Tsunayoshi-kun? _

Gokudera was seething quietly, gnawing on an unlit cigarette. _Who the hell dares to seduce Jyuudaime?_

Yamamoto was smiling widely, gripping the hilt on his katana with an unholy grin. _I really need to practice that new sword technique Squalo taught me earlier._

Mukuro's face was shadowed as he started to imagine the illusions that would be most fit. _Kufufufu, the corpse-eating crows would be good. And some of the Vindice, too._

Hibari's face was impassive, but inside he was imagining himself biting to death every single woman that dared make his omnivore fall in love with them. _No herbivorous female will ever touch MY omnivore._

Reborn raised an eyebrow curiously. "Oh? You found someone already? Who's the lucky person?" he inquired.

"Lucky? She's only in it for the sake of her grade." This statement confused the others.

_Her...grade? Wait, it must be some mission that another boss gave her!_

"But who is it?" Reborn persisted.

Tsuna tossed over a stack of paper. "She already signed the contract. Her name's Sei Usomine, and she's the one I've been meeting at Cafe Del Riccio for the past year. She's a undergraduate and has her Bachelors degree already. Studies at Universita Degli Studia di Enna Kore, and I can vouch for her. I asked her to come tomorrow to meet everyone."

At the words, "...one I've been meeting at Cafe Del Riccio for the past year." Gokudera, Yamamoto, Mukuro, Hibari, and Byakuran froze. After a minute, their hands started creeping slowly towards their weapons.

So the one that the Vongola Decimo had been meeting at Cafe Del Riccio for the past year was his lover and was coming tomorrow.

"Does she know everything about the situation?" Reborn asked quietly, intrigued. Tsuna nodded.

It was at that moment that every single eavesdropper left, intent of finding out more on "Sei Usomine" and properly "preparing" for her visit tomorrow.

"She's pretty good as a psychologist if you ask me. She's mostly doing this because she needs to do a project for psychoanalyzing twenty five people and she hates humankind in general. She only agreed because she...trusts that I will pay her properly," Tsuna explained with a grimace.

"Oh? What do you mean by pay? What is she demanding?" Reborn queried suspiciously, mostly due to finding out the identity of his former student's mysterious Cafe-friend.

"She's as greedy as Mammon; that's for sure."

If only the others had heard the last bits of the exchange...

* * *

Sei scowled as her favorite coffeepot shattered to bits abruptly. It was a bad omen, and at that moment, the Japanese woman vowed several things: One, to survive lunch tomorrow. Two, to not befriend any more Mafia bosses. Three, never fall for Tsuna's puppy-dog eyes and bishie-sparkle attack ever again. And four, to buy a new coffeepot.

* * *

**Exile: Sei is screwed, that's for sure. Anyone want to guess what sort of hell she'll go through tomorrow?**

**Anyway, thank you for the reviews! I'm sorry about not starting the examinations right away, but I wanted to give a sense of the situation first.**

**Acari = Mites**

**Pulci = Fleas**

**Cafe Del Riccio = Cafe of the Hedgehog**

**First client: Fuuta.**

**Second client: Belphegor.**

**Please review if you enjoyed this chapter...it breaks my heart seeing emails that people alert and fave but don't review *grows mushrooms in corner***


	3. The Sanity Scale

**Exile: Hello...again! I don't own, and there are review replies at the bottom!**

**Warning for this chapter: Sadistic Guardians and lots of misunderstandings. And many swears**

* * *

The Sanity Scale; First Impressions Part 2

Tsuna stared at Reborn, nonplussed. "One moment. Sei is supposed to be coming today! So why is it that all of a sudden the Varia and Byakuran are just _conveniently _coming today too?"

* * *

"In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit," Sei muttered as she made the Sign of the Cross. "Dear God, I pray that you protect my miserable little insignificant existence today. Please allow me to walk out of here with my sanity intact, no new wounds, and my clothes still decent. Amen."

Yes, Sei was Roman Catholic. Yes, she went to church three times a week. Yes, she prayed the Rosary every night before she went to bed. Yes, here she was in front of the Vongola Mansion, praying to survive her lunch with a Mafia famiglia.

She had walked here from her apartment, a good 4 miles away, and had made sure to come here through crooked sidestreets, making her trip take an entire hour from her apartment to this..."mansion" was an understatement. More like a freaking estate. Touching the cap on her head one last time, she reached for the intercom button, flinching at the loud beep. There was a crackle as a harsh male voice snarled, "Who are you? State your name and business here!" Sei flinched again, before thinking, _Dear Father in Heaven, please let my disguise work. _

"My name is Romano Lovino^ and I'm here with a delivery for a Tsunayoshi Sawada from a Sei Usomine," she replied in a masculine voice - something she had only achieved after years of vocal lessons.

There was the distinct sound of a growl as the man on the other side muttered something along the lines of, "Bitch that dared seduce Jyuudaime." Then the person cleared his throat and said, "Just leave it at the gate. I'll send someone to pick it up."

Sei grimaced, "I was instructed by Ms. Usomine to hand it directly to Mr. Sawada," she said back, "She mentioned that it was extremely delicate and was easily breakable." Here Sei proffered the delivery box she held in her hands to the electronic eye next to the intercom.

"Do you know what's in it?"

"She said that if it was tampered with or opened she wouldn't pay me."

"Tch. Fine. When you get in, there'll be someone to escort you to Jyuuda- I mean Mr. Sawada. Do NOT wander around the premises. You have been warned." With that the gates creaked open and Sei cheered mentally, thanking her voice lessons teacher. She stepped onto the gravel pathway gingerly, hurrying to the sidewalk and standing patiently until she saw someone headed towards her with a healthy dose of killing intent, which belied his wide grin.

"Hey there! Hayato told me that you have something to give to Tsuna?" he greeted cheerfully, and Sei mentally applauded his ability to keep up a facade even with the amount of murderous intent he was directing towards her at the moment.

She nodded, making sure to slouch in a bored, unrefined manner. "Yep. Ms. Usomine said that it was urgent and if I wanted my pay that I should deliver it by noon," she drawled. The obviously Japanese man looked at the expensive watch on his wrist.

"Well, it's only 10:30 right now. We'll need to do a scan on it and you to make sure you're not carrying anything dangerous," the man grinned, starting off towards the building. Sei paled and followed him.

_Shite. I'm screwed. _She wailed. _Tsuna's going to be so mad when he finds out..._Coughing, Sei slowly cut open the tape on the box, still following the man. In order to disguise the noise, she asked offhandedly, "May I know your name, sir?"

"Don't call me sir - I'm only 25. You can call me Yamamoto!" he said in an easygoing manner, causing the psychologist to pale even more.

Yamamoto Takeshi, Tsuna's Rain Guardian and a formidable swordsman. Oh hell, she was walking behind a freaking born hitman. She recognized him only by name, as Tsuna had ranted about how, "Yamamoto is one of the few that doesn't cause a lot of paperwork, but he needs to learn that no sane person laughs when a Mafia Boss is trying and failing to brag! Geez, I hate when other families take it as an offense and attack."

"Oh..." she stammered, "Well then Mr. Yamamoto, who's Mr. Sawada?"

The killing intent in the air grew denser, and Sei began praying the Hail Mary* in her mind. "He's my best friend and boss!" was his reply, "Hey, you've met this Sei face-to-face, right? What's she like?"

Sei set her expression into a poker face. "She is sarcastic, scary, has a ridiculous sweet tooth, and is a loner by nature," she reiterated things that her classmates had often described her as. The killing intent was now thick enough to that Sei was practically choking on it. "She's Japanese and has black hair and black eyes. Her looks aren't that remarkable."

"Ah...well now here we are, Vongola Mansion! I heard that she told you to give it directly to Tsuna, but first we'll need to do a scan on it and you to make sure..." he was cut off when he turned around, the "delivery boy" having disappeared. "Huh. That's weird." and with that he picked up his phone and dialed Gokudera. "Hey, Hayato, we've got a delivery boy loose in the Mansion."

* * *

Racing down the hallway, Sei tried very hard to avoid being caught on camera; not an easy feat. Flipping, backflipping, rolling, sidestepping, leaping over items, and basically hugging the walls, she managed. But now her problem was something else entirely; she was lost. Spotting a man coming around the corner, she froze and relaxed her posture, walking up to him and asking, "Hello sir, may I know where the Dining Hall is? I'm here with a delivery for Mr. Sawada." Wrong person to ask.

"Hn. So you're the intruder." Sei backstepped as a tonfa hit the place where her head had been a millisecond ago.

_Tonfa...purple shirt...killer's eyes...NOOOOO! It's the Cloud Guardian; the guy that's so violent he causes 40% of Tsuna's paperwork! _She wailed. _Dear Tsuna, please forgive me for adding to your paperwork._

Hibari rushed forward, an evil gleam in his eyes as he rushed the "delivery boy". Much to his surprise, the box that had been in the arms of the stranger exploded, leaving him in a cloud of smoke. Whipping his tonfa around, he cleared it away in a moment, but the person had already managed to escape. Hibari looked down the hallway and smirked as he turned around and chased after the figure that that was heading straight towards their doom - the tech department.

Meanwhile, Reborn was staring at the security monitors with interest. He had already figured out that this "Romano Lovino" actually their new psychologist. Why she had shown up masquerading as a delivery boy was what piqued his interest, though. Taking a look at one of the moniters that showed the hallway, he picked up the intercom and dialed the tech department. "Spanner, I want you to station an active Strau Mosca at Tech Entrance A-4. Don't ask, just do it." he hung up and then picked up the intercom again, "Hibari, stand down. Let Spanner and Irie take care of the intruder. Just in case, wait in the hallway to make sure the target doesn't escape." Before any protest could be heard, he hung up again.

After all, since she was running around the mansion at the moment, it would be good to put the new employee through some...harmless tests.

* * *

Sprinting down the corridor, Sei didn't dare look backwards to see whether she had lost the infamous Cloud Guardian or not. The murderous intent directed at her was enough to let her know that he was still after her. Spotting a steel door in the wall, Sei gripped the handle and pulled it open, then slammed the door shut with as much force as she could muster, then locked the door. She had no doubt that the one and only Hibari Kyoya was still in the corridor, waiting patiently for her to come out so he could kill her for intruding. Although she wasn't intruding, but there was a nagging feeling that said that if she stated her real identity, her status would be changed to "Kill on sight."

**Beep. Beep. Target located. **The woman froze in horror at the robotic voice that had come behind her. Whipping around, her jaw dropped at the sight of a gigantic humanoid robot that was clearly aiming to kill her. So she did the most sensible thing that she thought of at the moment...

...and ran sideways, dodging the bullet spray that had been fired at her. Moving towards the robot, the Japanese woman whipped out several batteries and when she came out of the smoke, leapt at the Mosca's back, something long and black attaching itself to the Mosca as she dropped it and the Mosca spasmed, electric shocks going around it's body as the batteries plugged into one end of the black cable simultaneously released their charges, sending an electric wave to robot strong enough to knock it out for a few minutes. Sei stood there, and Spanner from his vantage point raised an eyebrow. They remained there for a few moments, then Spanner flicked on the intercom for the training room she was in and asked curiously, "What was that?"

"A modified computer charger. I altered it so that it could take energy from batteries and send it as a strong electric signal when it connects with any other piece of metal. Now why the hell was I just assaulted by a gigantic humanoid robot?" "he" said dryly, picking up the cable and wrapping it several times around her arm, stalking towards the door to the next room. Spanner shrugged, sucking on his lollipop.

"Reborn said something about testing you. I'm Spanner, by the way. Hope ya' survive the next tests," the technician drawled before shutting off the intercom to go and pick up his Mosca. Sei paled considerably, halting in front of the next set of doors and mulling the idea of running away from the mansion over - but then shook her head.

_Tsuna needs a psychologist. Remember Sei, you can extort him later as retribution. _She told herself.

* * *

"So that Usomine bitch is coming here next?" Gokudera demanded Reborn through his cellphone. Yamamoto was next to him, swinging his katana around as if warming up to go bat.

"Yep. She managed to temporarily overload Strau Mosca's system, and Spanner let her go so he could figure a way to shock-proof his robots," the hitman responded gleefully, staring at the scenario through the security room monitors. "She seems to utilize a cable in order to shock her opponents."

The Storm snorted in derision. "This'll be easy."

"Don't kill her. There's something that tells me she isn't your run-of-the-mill university student. And the last name Usomine is highly suspicious." There was a click as Reborn hung up and Gokudera glared at the doors.

"Yeah, who in the world has the last name Lie Ridge?" Yamamoto commented. The two suddenly went into a battle stance as the doors creaked open and a masculine voice snapped,

"I prefer it read as Lying Mountain or Mountain of Lies, thank you very much." Immediately, several dynamites went flying her way and she hit the floor, letting them explode harmlessly above her. "Dynamite user. So you're Tsuna's Storm Guardian, Hayato Gokudera. And the guy next to you is the Rain," she said in her normal female voice.

The silver-haired man scowled, brandishing more dynamites. Yamamoto stood off to the side, having decided only to pitch in if needed. They didn't want to kil- er, defeat her too quickly, after all. "Bitch. Don't refer to Jyuudaime so casually! Homing Rocket Bomb!"

Sei facepalmed, rolling sideways and eyes widening as she saw that the dynamites were following her. "That's not fair!" she complained loudly as they exploded.

"This is the Mafia," Gokudera retorted, confident that she had been finished off. However, when the smoke cleared, there stood the woman, cap having been blown off and a majority of her hair burnt, to her shoulders instead of waist-length like it had been. She was standing tall, arms in front of her in a defensive stance, and black...things wrapped around both arms. "The fuck?"

"Computer cords are good weapons," she commented idly as she whipped the outlet ends around to clear the smoke. "Ever been whacked with one? They make great garrotes, too. And by the way..." with that, Sei leapt above them, causing Yamamoto to go into an attack stance and Gokudera to throw more dynamite. However, instead of attacking, she tore off to the door on the other side of the training room.

"I'm not suicidal enough to stay and fiiiight!" she screamed as she ran out of the room, slammed the door shut, and collapsed onto the floor of the hallway connecting the training ground the Rain and Storm were in to the next room, which she had no idea whether or not it was safe. Panting, the psychologist curled up into fetal position, trying to calm down enough to continue. Several minutes later, she let out one lest shuddering sigh and stod up, looking at her arms and tightening the computer cords around her arms and taking one last look at her singed hair. Earlier, she had managed to cut off the burning strands earlier with her emergency switchblade, but now...Sei stood up with renewed determination. _I WILL survive these trials and get Tsuna to pay up! _Stomping down the hallway muttering things about cosplay and anime, she continued on to the next room.

* * *

"Kufufu...welcome to Vongola Mansion, Ms. Usomine," a blue-haired man greeted with a sadistic smile adorning his face.

"Ah, so you're the infamous Sei-chan, ne~?" a guy with abnormal violet eyes and munching on marshmallows called out.

Sei stared at the duo in front of her wordlessly, but inside her head, she was screaming bloody murder at Reborn. _Fuck! Holy Shite, why meeeee? The guy that looks like a pineapple and just 'kufufu'-ed at me is definitely Tsuna's male Mist Guardian, Mukuro Rokudo, and the marshmallow-gorger has to be Byakuran Gesso in the flesh! CURSE YOU REBORN!_

"Oya, cat got your tongue?" Mukuro said playfully as he extended his trident. Sei's eyes darted around the room, and she had to resist cringing when she saw Byakuran put his marshmallow bag down and dust his gloves off. Where was the door?

"Why are you guys so intent on killing me? I've never met any of you and yet every single damn person I've run into so far has tried to either seriously maim me, kill me, or both," she deadpanned, continuing on looking around for her dear salvation in the form of an exit.

The two men exchanged equally evil and conniving and murderous and frightening glances, then turned back to look at her with bright unholy smiles. "You are taking Tsunayoshi-kun~ away from us!" Byakuran exclaimed. Sei frowned and furrowed her eyebrows.

"What do you mean? If you're talking about our daily venting hour at Cafe Del Riccio, blame yourselves for giving him so much stress that we have to meet up there practically every weekday to de-stress," she said pointedly.

Mukuro smiled evilly, "No, no, it's not that. It's the fact that you are the bitch that dared seduce our dear Vongola."

Sei's eyebrow twitched as she leaned leaned into a martial arts stance. "Excuse me, but I'm still a virgin and am definitely NOT a whore, strumpet, bitch, or prostitute! I'm just the new psychologist, goddamnit!"

The other two blinked several times. "Psychologist?"

"Yeah! Corpus Christi, you guys are acting like...I like Tsuna that way! We're just venting friends, Deus!" she exclaimed.

Silence.

"Did you really think we would believe anything you said?" Byakuran grinned. Sei facepalmed again. At this rate, her nose was going to go flat with all her facepalming.

"Dear Father is Heaven, please let me live." And with those brave last words Sei began running around for her life, desperately trying to not get caught up in Mukuro's mind-fucking illusions or Byakuran's attacks - both of which she knew would KO her on the spot.

And even though she was a major video-game fanatic, she knew very well that in life, there was no such thing as a resurrection or spawning point. "Corpus Domini, where is the door?"

Mukuro couldn't help but admit that he was mildly impressed. For one, the woman had managed to not get caught up in his illusions - she was running through his illusionary obstacles, monsters, and other things as if she knew they weren't there. And at the same time, was dodging Byakuran's attacks...not that it really mattered, because neither he nor the marshmallow head had even used five percent of their power. If he wanted to, he could send the woman to hell right now, but it was fairly amusing watching her panic and try to find the door that he had hidden with his illusions a long time ago.

Oh, she tripped! Mukuro grinned sadistically and slammed his trident into the floor, letting lotus shoots sprout out of the floor and wrap themselves around Sei. Byakuran dove in, Sky Flames adorning his hand, and the woman backflipped out of his illusion again, before opening her mouth and screaming at such a loud volume that Mukuro and Byakuran cringed.

"_**TSUNAYOSHI SAWADA, IF YOU DO NOT GET YOURSELF AND WHATEVER WEAPON YOU USE TO KEEP YOUR SUBORDINATES IN LINE OVER TO WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW, YOUR PSYCHOLOGIST WILL RAGEQUIT AND YOU WILL HAVE TO RESIGN YOURSELF TO EXTRA PAPERWORK DUTIES!**_" our favorite tuna-fish flinched at the distinct sound of his friend's voice and hastily stood up from the dining table, where he had been waiting to meet Sei. Apparently though, his Guardians had gotten to her first.

* * *

"I demand a thousand euros for damages and traumatization of your psychologist," the Japanese woman hissed darkly the moment she stepped into the dining room forty-five minutes later.

Tsuna had managed to rush over the the training room where she was being "tested" by Byakuran and Mukuro. Needless to say, the moment she had seen him he had been tackled the floor and cuffed on the head, then she yelled at Tsuna for not keeping his subordinates in line. And the entire time, she had held him in a chokehold which needless to say was very uncomfortable. It had taken him the greater part of thirty minutes to convince Byakuran and his Guardians that she hadn't been lying and that she was NOT his future wife -where they had gotten that idea he had no idea.

He blamed Reborn. With a sigh, Tsuna opened up his wallet and forked out the bills into Sei's waiting hands. She gave him one last glare before storming to the dining table, giving the Guardians and a marshmallow vehement glares that made them flinch.

"So why the fucking frag grenades were they attacking me?" she directed at Tsuna, who shrugged and looked at the crowd crossly.

"I have no idea. And actually, I have a feeling that we don't want to know. So...let's eat?" he offered. Sei looked around skeptically and nodded, taking a seat to Tsuna's left.

Gokudera immediately bristled at her sitting right next to Tsuna, but a pointed look from his boss made him cam down and content himself with glaring at the woman. The lunch began in silence, with clinking utensils and glares tossed at Sei, who was feeling her right eye twitching madly. The meal continued like this for a while, and the Decimo and his new psychologist started to relax a bit.

Seeing that everyone was relatively calm, Tsuna cleared his throat. Before he could anything though, his Sun Guardian interrupted, "Tsuna, who is that woman?"

Sei bit back a snarl at being referred to with such a negative tone. Before she could lunge across the table, Tsuna interrupted, "This is out new psychologist!"

The room went so quiet you could have heard a feather drop. Gokudera was the first to recover.

"Psychologist! Since when did we need or have one, Jyuudaime?" he asked in disbelief.

"Ever since the Ninth sent me a reminder that every few years, all of the Vongola needed to go through mental examinations to deem them sane enough to work," his boss replied. Everyone sweatdropped. "Sei here is a close friend. She is a Psychology student at one of the nearby universities, and she has willingly offered her services to psychoanalyze the lot of you so you could be deemed safe for work."

"Call me Sei. Not bitch, woman, or any derogatory terms," she snarled, glaring mostly at Mukuro and Gokudera. Yamamoto opened his mouth as if to apologize, but...

...But then the Varia decided to throw the doors open at that moment. "VOOOOOOOI! Who's the bitch that dared seduce Decimo?" Squalo roared, scanning the room and brandishing his blade, the rest of the Varia following him in with unnerving expressions. Tsuna and Sei facepalmed.

"Tsuna. I demand another thousand NOW," she hissed. squalo's eyes landed on her and he pointed his blade at her.

"VOI! You're the Usomine-woman?"Sei twitched before grabbing a piece of cutlery and throwing it towards Squalo's face, who dodged it with surprise.

"It's SEI! SEI USOMINE, you bastard! And when the hell did I ever seduce Tsuna! We're just venting-friends, Corpus Christi!" she screamed back in frustration, having reached her snapping point.

Squalo looked taken aback, but before another word could be uttered, an X-Gun was aimed and a distinct voice uttered, "Trash."

* * *

"I have half a mind to call it quits," she said in a disgruntled manner as she sipped her dear beloved frappucino. Tsuna grunted in reply, not in a good mood as Reborn had just dumped another stack of paperwork on his desk, which were probably all damage reports from the fiasco earlier.

The Guardians and the Varia had dispersed around the Mansion, but Tsuna was pretty sure that at least 3 of them were currently eavesdropping on Sei and him. "Then why didn't you leave in the beginning?" the brunette inquired curiously.

"Because...they're interesting, I guess..." she answered in a disgruntled tone. "And they're the people who are protecting you, right? I need to psychoanalyze them to make sure that the people you trust are actually somewhat sane."

They remained in silence, Sei drinking her frappucino and Tsuna signing his paperwork. He glanced up, a tired smile gracing his lips. "Thanks for caring."

"You're my venting buddy. Can't have you go insane," she replied in a clipped voice. "By the way, did you prepare that Sanity Scale for me yet?" Tsuna rightened up a bit before rummaging around his desk and pulling out a sheet of paper. "Thanks."

"No problem. It gave me an excuse to not do paperwork for an hour," he waved off. Sei stared at the paper, eyes unreadable as she skimmed it. It was a list of her clients, all rated on a scale of one to ten, from most sane to least sane.

1- Fuuta de Stella, I-Pin, Lal Mirch, Tetsuya Kusakabe

2- Spanner, Irie Shoichi, Basil, Chrome Dokuro

3- Ryohei Sasagawa, Fran

4- Lambo Bovino, Tsunayoshi Sawada

5- Dino Chiavarone, Takeshi Yamamoto

6- Hayato Gokudera

7- Levi A. Than, Bianchi

8- Xanxus, Squalo, Lussuria

9- Bel, Mukuro Rokudo, Hibari Kyoya, Reborn

10- Byakuran

"I'm scared now," she commented. Before Tsuna could respond, though, the door was flung open and his older brother figure popped in.

"Yo Tsuna! How is it going! What's this I hear about a psychologist?" Sei smiled slightly For once she wasn't mistaken as Tsuna's future wife or something!

"Dino-nii!" Tsuna exclaimed in surprise before getting caught in a hug from his older-brother figure. Pointing at the chair Sei was in, he introduced, "This is the new psychologist, my friend Sei Usomine. Sei, this is my Aniki, Dino Chiavarone and the Decimo of the Chiavarone Famiglia." Sei stood up and shook Dino's hand, sighing to herself.

_I swore yesterday that I wouldn't befriend any more Mafia bosses! _She wailed.

* * *

**Exile: So hey, I updated! Don't count on updates being this fast, though. I'm very irregular, but I try to update at least three stories every month. **

**Notes: **

**Sei was indeed crossdressing as a guy to get into the mansion. She took vocal lessons when she was younger, and can talk in a masculine voice.**

**Romano Lovino^- Axis Powers Hetalia reference. **

**"Corpus Christi, Corpus Domini, Deus" - Sei is swearing in Latin the equivalents of, "Christ, Body of God, God". I myself swear this way.**

**Cables as weapons - They actually DO make good weapons...I tried for myself a few months ago!**

**The package she was carrying held the cables so she could sneak them in.**

* * *

**Review Replies-**

**scarlet rose white-** I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

**hentai18anchilla- **I agree. Takeshi smiling sadistically...the thought itself is frightening *shudder*. And here's a little spoiler: one of the end chapters is titled, "The Great 27 War".

**ladyivory01- **I hope you thought this one was equally funny!

**xXxIRISxXx- **...yep, poor Sei. I torture my OCs too much, I guess. /shocked by Sei's cord

**AikoYukari- **As you can see, in this one, she had to run for her life indeed :D

**summer. ice7- **Thank you for the compliment! I don't really like CanonOC because it can mess up story mechanics a lot. I hope you like the next chap - the examinations start!

**alice106th- **The plural would technically be "psychoanalysis reports". Psychoanalysis is actually just the name of the technique/procedure. As for the cafe, I just typed in three random words and then later checked the meaning - imagine how surprised I was that it ended up being an indirect Hibari reference XD

**forever. blue .skies.- **OAFDAFEA Thank you for the long review! I love long reviews. And I love Sei's sarcasm as well. She's like the only sane man in the story at the moment, not counting the people that was listed as "1" on the scale. Tsuna's denseness just makes it so much fun! Headcanon: Everyone could probably tell him nothing but pick-up lines the whole day and he wouldn't get that they're in love with him - he'd just think they're joking around. In the beginning, was Sei sane in the first place? I mean, she's the one who agreed to the deal! Go ahead and stalk the story! Just don't scare the plotbunny!

* * *

**Next chapter: **

**Examination**** 1: The Child Prodigy - "Fit for work. However, I demand 300 euros to replace the furniture he broke when he started levitating everything in my living room with that weird ability of his."**

**Review?**


	4. Ranking Prince

**Exile: Your local author livessss. Sorry for not updating this for so long... things happened (-_-)**

**Don't own KHR. If I did, this would be an arc in the manga :x**

**Warnings for this chapter: Fuuta gets a nickname C:**

* * *

Just Another Psych Project

Ranking Prince vs. Psycho(logist)

Fuuta de Stella, the "Ranking Prince" and one of the Vongola Decimo's inner circle, was currently in a car with a potentially insane psychologist. "So where do you want to go for our session?" The woman asked in a semi-bored voice.

Fuuta couldn't help but admit that he did not trust her much. True, Tsuna-nii had said that Sei was a good person, but for all he knew, the "psychologist" was just acting. "Anywhere you would like, Ms. Usomine," he answered politely. At the driving wheel, Sei snorted.

"Hn. Can you use Japanese honorifics with me? I'm Japanese, and I've heard from Tsuna that all of you people know it. It's more comfortable for me," she requested shortly. "Also, that's too vague of an answer, kiddo."

Fuuta pondered for a moment. "Do I have any choices?" he asked warily.

"Well, where would you feel comfortable? We can talk at my apartment, one of the nearby parks, the pastry shop that I usually meet up with Tsuna at, or any other nearby cafe of your choice," she replied. When she saw her "client"'s ears perk up at the third suggestion, she smiled a bit at how much of a lost child he looked. "Pastry shop then?"

"Yeah. Maybe I can pick up some pastries for Tsuna-nii," he explained cheerfully, "Lambo, I-Pin, and I always enjoyed eating the sweets he brought home for us."

Sei grunted, focused on driving and making Fuuta's mental profile. So far, she had determined that the nineteen-year old was a rather quiet, intelligent person. But what disturbed her was that he was being overly wary of her. First, he had immediately opted for the seat farthest from her (harder for her to get him at gunpoint). Then, he was keeping his hand on the door handle, prepared to escape into traffic if need be. But the thing that ticked her off the most was that he had broken the child lock when he entered the car. She needed that thing for her cousin's damn wily cats, verdammt! "That's nice of him. And you," she commented shortly. "We may as well start the session in the car. As you know, my name is Sei Usomine and I'm friends with Tsuna. I go to a nearby university, majoring in Psychology. And I'm going to warn you now," Sei did not miss the way his grip tightened on the door handle. "I get bored easily. And when I get bored, I fall asleep. So please don't try to bore me into sleep, okay kiddo?" she also did not miss the tiny sigh of relief from Fuuta.

"I... I am Fuuta de Stella, and I'm currently employed under Tsuna-nii as part of CEDEF," Sei made a mental note to ask what CEDEF was later, "and he's like my older brother."

"Hahahahaha," Sei laughed in a deadpan tone. Fuuta looked at her curiously, "Everyone loves the guy, huh?" she asked, "How did you two meet?"

"He saved me ten years ago, when the Todd Famiglia was chasing me. The ranking planet said that Namimori was the second safest city and that Tsuna-nii was ranked dead last in ambitious future Mafia bosses, so I fled there," he said quietly in a reminiscent voice.

"Why were they chasing you? Sei inquired politely, "And for the record, why are known as "Ranking Fuuta"?" Fuuta just bit his lip hesitantly. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I just thought that's it's an odd nickname... not that I can say that I haven't had worse..." she muttered the last part under her breath. "I've been nicknamed to death before. It's a terrible way to go. You lose your pride and when the horrible nicknames keep coming and when people _don't stop giving those horrible nicknames_, your sanity comes crashing do-... ugh," Sei snapped out of her remembrance and shook her head. "Sorry. Bad memories." Under her breath, though, she was still muttering and Fuuta could barely hear her repeating the word "Dinner" over and over again.

The brunet's eyes started around nervously, something not lost on Sei. "I. . . uh, it's because I have the ability to accurately rank everyone and everything."

The pieces fell in place. As she pulled into the Café del Riccio's parking lot, Sei blurted, "Do you have a trauma of kidnappings, particular fear of strangers, and an OCD with unfamiliar cars?" When Fuuta flinched, she buried her face in her hands. "Frickdammt. How lovely."

"How- what- when did you-"

"I may not have my Master's yet, but anyone with half a brain should be able to infer that much from you," Sei snapped. Hand on the Café's door, she breathed several times to calm herself down. Things like kidnapping and extortion always caused _that _side to act up a bit. "Would you care explaining why you were kidnapped so many times that you actually developed a trauma of it?" she asked, waving a hello to the clerk and taking a seat in one of the corner booths. "Order whatever you want; I'm paying."

Fuuta nodded, glancing the menu over with slightly trembling hands. Sei glanced up with dismay, seeing his skewed mental state. When the waitress came to take their order, Sei simply asked for her usual, and Fuuta ordered a batch of macarons and an iced coffee. As the waitress left, Sei settled in her seat, putting her elbows on the table and leaning on her hands. "So what's with the numerous kidnappings? Aren't you protected by Tsuna and the Vongola?"

He nodded, growing more confident at the mention of his older brother figure. "Yeah, every one had to do with my ranking abilities. Think of the implications. You could rank all the members of a Famiglia based on ability and usefulness. Then efficiency would increase. If you ranked the least likely places the police would expect a Famiglia's HQ to be, then, well, you get the idea."

"Hence, "everyone wants you"?" Sei asked with air quotes. Fuuta nodded once again. "I can see why you're so incredibly suspicious of strangers. Have people tried paying or bribing the Vongola to get to you?" She grimaced at his affirmation.

"But Tsuna-nii usually kicks them out when he figures out their motives!" he declared with a small grin.

Sei scowled. "Good. No one deserves to be treated like a mere commodity."

Their orders arrived at that moment. Fuuta looked at Sei oddly. "You sound like you've been in the same situation, Usomine-san. Are you connected with the Mafia, by any chance?"

Sei rolled her eyes. "Lalalalala, no, I'm not, my only connection is my dark friendship with that ranting buddy of mine," she whistled nervously. "Don't mind me, I just- I'm one of those people who looks at the news, and the whole kidnapping thing, yeah, hahahaha. . . anyway, why don't you eat?"

Fuuta looked at her oddly. "Very well then, Usomine-san." They both dug in their sweets with satisfaction.

The brunet was curious now. The psychologist was a blunt and seemed to be hiding something, but the Ranking Planet was telling him that she had no ill will against him or any hidden motives. Sei polished off her plate greedily, having determined that dealing with Fuuta would lead to something of a headache.

How right she was…

"So… tell me about your past. I only know the skull of it from Tsuna, of you living with him when you were ten," she phrased while Fuuta started to finish up his plate.

He sat back, crossing his legs as he tapped on the table thoughtfully. "Ever since I was little, I was chased by Mafia Families that wanted my rankings. I've been… kidnapped several times, but I usually managed to escape with the help of the Ranking Planet." Sei raised an eyebrow, but simply sipped on her ice coffee and continued to write her notes. "It began when I was five… that's when my parents died, you see."

"And the post-traumatic stress disorder appeared _how_?" she cut in. "That's what I actually want to know. PTSD can affect you in your working environment badly, Fuuta-san. Not to mention you're working in the Mafia- your trauma could be used against you. Does Tsuna know?"

He paused in his reflection. "Know what?"

She rolled her eyes. "About your odd habits and the kidnappings, obviously." When he shook his head she set the pencil down and looked at him flatly. "Why not?"

"He knows about how I am with strangers and… all the things you pointed out, of course," he explained, "but I don't want him to worry about me too much. He has to take care of the Famiglia. I'm older than I was when I was a little boy that had to hide under other's protection, and I believe I should control myself and my own fears."

Sei leveled a stink eye at him. "Don't give me any of that crap. I know you're not hiding anything in your reasoning, but is this just a sense of ''I want to make my big brother proud"? If it is, then knock it off." He looked at as if she was mad.

"No, it's not that," he insisted. "Tsuna-nii has many things to take care of, and I don't want him to worry about me-"

BANG

Sei released his head and glared at him as he slumped on the seat, clutching his forehead in pain and groaning from the force of the headbutt that the psychologist had suddenly delivered. "Oh, quiet you little mung bean-brained shrimp with PTSD," she insulted casually. Fuuta was in too much pain to say anything back. "Do you realize tha- especially with your job- PTSD can be crippling? If your trauma were to be triggered in the middle of say, a fight, then you could freeze up in shock and maybe lose your life that way. You, kiddo, need a few whacks on the head before you realize this, apparently."

"Usomine-san-"

"Why don't you ask your Ranking Planet thingie about the top five reasons that you die in the middle of combat, if you don't believe me then?" she cut him off before he could say a word in edgewise.

The male hesitated, looking around the crowded cafe in caution. "Oh, whoops. Completely forgot about that. You don't like doing whatever stuff you in front of a bunch of people, I guess?"

He shook his head. "It's not that. It's just that my ranking mode has the side effect of levitating everything within a ten-meter radius of me."

Sei's eyebrows shot to her hair. "Seriously? An antigravity effect!?" she exclaimed. When he nodded, she thought for a moment. "How about we go to my apartment and continue this discussion?" she proposed.

"..." the brunet hesitated. So far, this person hadn't threatened him or given off any clues of ulterior motive, and apparently was actually doing what they had said they would do. "...okay."

Standing up, the psychologist paid their bill and grabbed her papers, exiting the restaurant. "Come along now, PTSD mung bean shrimp. My place is just a fifteen-minute drive."

"... PTSD mung bean shrimp"

"PTSD mung bean shrimp..."

_PTSD mung bean shrimp_

The young Mafioso stood frozen in the doorway, the four words processing into his brain. "Wha- what did you just call me-"

"You have PTSD, you're younger than me so I automatically get the right to call you shrimp, and you ate a mung-bean-flavored macaron I slipped onto your plate without flinching at the weird taste. In the name of the awesome Prussia, I now dub you PTSD mung bean shrimp!"

He collapsed, the four words repeating like a death chant in his brain.

She just clicked her tongue, grabbed his elbow, and tossed him into the car.

* * *

When Fuuta came to, he was propped on a sofa, a mug of tea in front of him and a bored psychologist sitting upside down on the opposite couch, her legs over the headrest and her hair piled on the floor with her head just inches away from the carpeting. "Oh, looky who's awake," Sei commented in a bored tone.

"Why are you sitting like that...?"

"I got bored."

Fuuta stared at her incredulously. "Ah... what are we supposed to do now...?"

"You prove my conjecture about your most likely dying in battle with your Ranking Planet thing while I get that paper on treating PTSD," she answered blandly, flipping herself over the couch's headrest with her legs and heading to a desk that was piled with papers and notebooks and cables, beginning to rummage through the disarray.

Fuuta turned away from her, shaking his head and falling into a measured breathing pattern, trying to focus his thoughts into one needed Ranking, "Ranking Planet... Top five reasons why I would die in combat... do you hear me, Planet...?" Sei just glanced at him idly and shrugged, totally uncaring of what was happening.

However, she _did _start caring when, right in front of her, her papers started floating and a folder inadvertently smacked her nose. "What the fu-" she felt her feet lift up the air, and presently she was floating. "Wait what is this madness-"

"Number 5 is sniper in the back during diplomacy mission... 4... Flame-Retardation Foam is used against us in combat... 3... sudden poison attacks... 2... collapsing buildings... 1... Paralysis due to triggered trauma... thank you, Planet..." everything returned to normal and the psychologist hit the floor with a thud, and Fuuta's eyes went back to their usual color. "So you were right, Usomine-san..." he murmured.

"Of course I was right! I'm a psychologist - okay, I still haven't graduated, but I'm still the new temporary Vongola Family Psychologist," she retorted, standing up and rubbing her back. "Now what's with the antigravity thing?"

He shrugged. "It is a side-effect of communicating with the Ranking Planet." _And I have Earth Flames because of it_, he thought. But she didn't know about Flames, Tsuna-nii had told him.

Riffling through her papers, Sei picked up a small brochure. "Hah! Found it!" she exclaimed, returning to the couch and handing it to him. It was labeled "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - Healing the Mental Scars". "Read that with your family of sorts tonight. There are several forms of therapy, but I'm going to guess that the Family one will work the best for you," she explained, jotting down something on her notepad.

"...Thank you, Sei-san."

"Ya, ya, you're welcome," she waved off with her pencil. "Now is someone going to pick you up or am I driving you back?"

"I can call someone to pick me up, thank you," he answered, now at ease with her. "By the way, Sei-san, may I rank you?"

She halted writing, looking up from the paper to raise an eyebrow at him, "What."

"Think of it as... thanks," he struggled to say.

In a monotone, disbelieving voice,"Thanks for what."

"Thanks for helping Tsuna-nii blow off steam whenever he sees you," Fuuta clarified, "It helps him a lot, especially because he used to just spend days locked up in his room doing paperwork and he wouldn't always be the happiest of people. But now whenever he came back from meeting with you, he was a bit less stressed."

She blinked. "Ooookay. Do I have to sit down or something?" Sei asked cautiously.

"Just stand where I can see you, please," the brunet requested.

The woman froze, then went off to put down her papers. " Just let me get a cup of coffee."

* * *

**Exile: Well, I finally freaking updated!**

**...Don't kill me please.**

**Review Replies: **

_alice106th_**: Yes, she did that. She doesn't crossdress often, but hey, this is the Mafia. Besides, the Guardians wanted to kill her on sight due to misunderstandings :x **_AikoYukari_**: Tip of the iceberg indeed, she hasn't even properly met Reborn yet! **_MyHobbyIsToRunFromReality_**: Cables as weapons. Yessiree. Anything works, really. The best ones I would suggest are the power cables for a laptop charger. /shot **_Pineapple the Fourth_**: She won't really bring out their crazy sides... she'll just tend to piss the hell outta them BD **_Perfetta_**: It's true! With power comes insanity, I suppose XD And I never realized that! I guess things worked out that way by accident when I wrote it. **_Scarlet Rose White_**: I hope this was entertaining enough ^_^ **_The Mafia-ish Addiction_**: Insanity is fun. Insanity is not normal. And besides, if all of them were normal, would I be having an insane amount of fun writing this? It is precisely because they are insane that this story is being written. **_KHRRebornFan_**: I'm glad you're enjoying it so far XD and thank you, seriously for the Mary-Sue analysis on Sei. It's always good to have another perspective. **_BlackCatHikari_**: I'm glad you thought it was funny XD I'm aiming for crack and then some serious crack, so thank you! I laugh whenever I write this fic out. **_Belle-kurama-style-bankai_**: IT UPDATED. REJOICE. XD I hope I won't take too long to write the next chapter. And look forward to the psychoanalysis reports. The first turn-in will be in chapter 6~**

* * *

Omake: In which Ranking Planet Messes with Sei 

*SPOILER WARNING*

"Ranking Planet, I hear you... yes, Sei Usomine's highest rankings..."

Sei was floating in the air, trying to finish her cup of mocha in vain as she stared at Fuuta with wide eyes. "Bwaha- my coffeeeee," she cried. Fuuta didn't register what she said as he blinked slowly, then turned to her.

"Rankings... Sei Usomine is... Number 13 of 90013 Most Greedy Former Freelance Hitmen... Number 19 of 9823 Freelance Hitmen with Bad Luck…" (Sei nearly spat out her coffee at this one) "Number 78 off 500 Former Freelance Hitman most likely to be recruited to Vongola…"

_No way in hell! _Sei thought as she floundered in the air.

"Number 37 of 283984 Mafia-Connected Civilians that may rejoin the Mafia… Number 72 of 90013 Former Freelance Hitmen refuse to fall in love… Number 1 of 90013 Former Freelance Hitmen with Bizarre Weapons… Number 5 of 110 Universita Studia Enna de Kore Psychology Students to not pass Professor Rittai Nendo's class… and Number 90000 of 90013 Former Freelance Hitmen who would kidnap someone… but number 119 of 90013 if money is offered. Ending transmission..."

Fuuta's eyes returned to normal and Sei FINALLY finished her coffee as gravity returned to normal, everything settling down in place without breaking. Innocently, he stared at her, then asked the quesiton she was dreading.

"You are a former freelance hitman, Usomine-san?"

The Asian felt a bead of sweat run down her forehead. However, her snark-mode came back as she glibly replied, "Emphasis on former. Now, that was a nice trick. Are you ready to go now?"

Fuuta's eyes turned serious. "Does Tsuna-nii know about this?" What _this _was didn't need to be said, but Sei just gave him a blank look.

"Hell no. If he knew that, he'd know I have money, and he wouldn't pay for my food at Cafe del Riccio. Are you kidding me?"

In the back of Fuuta's mind, the Ranking Planet whispered, "Sei Usomine is tied with Arcobaleno Mammon in Rankings for Greed."

He mentally put his hand to his face. _That explains quite a lot..._ "I won't tell," Fuuta said to the panicking student (not that she was showing it. As far as facial expressions went, she had her poker face on as airtight as a car tire.) "The Ranking Planet says that your identity as the Mountain of Lies is a secret that will not benefit anyone if revealed."

Sei's eyes glazed over slightly, and she bowed politely. "Thank you. I'll be sending your report to Tsuna sometime soon, okay?" He nodded as well.

Walking out the door to the car awaiting outside, Fuuta idly commented as he left, "Ranking Planet also says that you're Number 4 of 100 Insane Psychologists."

_Poker face be damned_, she thought as she allowed herself to execute a spit-take on her mocha and choke on it.

* * *

**Review? O w O**


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